The Lost Homies
by leppyfencey
Summary: tis an awkward and urinal story about various alex winter movies including The Lost Boys, Bill and Ted's, The Borrowers (hot tv gangsters) and Freaked! This is such a crappy parody of the lost boys, that you really won't get it unless you've seen LB
1. my, you have awkward urinals!

*own nothing except for erin and alya, who are saucy? oh, and "Kathy" really should be the mom, Lucy, but the time this was written, we forgot and Kathy just stuck, seeing as though we based her on Kathy Lee Gifford. also, this is really crappily based on The Lost Boys plot, so you wouldn't get it unless you've seen the lost boys...*  
  
(The gang of vampires is at the playground and getting into a confrontation with another gang of non-vampires.)  
  
Marko: Yo, this is my swing now, foo.  
  
Canadian foo 1: You wanna make something of it?  
  
David (walks up): Yeah, yeah, maybe we do.  
  
(4 Canadian fools, their Canadian whore, and Celine Dion step up)  
  
Canadian foo 2: You'll have to get through us first.  
  
Celine Dion: You better back off biyotch!  
  
(The fat playground guard interferes with them.)  
  
Guard: Hey, I don't want to see you punks around here again, you got that Marko?  
  
Marko: Yeah, right, see ya.   
  
(Dwayne does a series of mime movements and backflips)  
  
Paul- Veeshqua, all right? Veeshqua.   
  
(Later that night- the guard is seen walking to his car alone at night. He has a bad   
feeling and runs to his car. He is unable to get in car and the scene ends with him   
screaming and "My Heart Will Go On" playing.)  
  
(Kathie is driving in her maroon mini van with Michael and Sam. They are listening to   
oldies and driving to the new house. They stop on the way at a diner.)  
  
Sam: Will you look at all this biotech? I can't believe we're living in this town.  
  
Michael: Seraphine!  
  
Sam: Huh?  
  
Michael: Uh, I mean, Esperanto!  
  
Kathie: Son, are you a flaming homo?  
  
Michael: Mom! I told you to stop talking about my other life!   
  
Sam: I can't believe it. My own brother, a dirty shit-sucking homosexual!  
  
Michael: I'm not gay, okay? I had a girlfriend.  
  
Sam: You mean Dolores? She was a transvestite!  
  
Kathie: Really? She was so rugged!  
  
Sam: Mom, you're a freak.  
  
Kathie: Who wants me to sing a song?  
  
(Within 3 seconds the diner is empty, except for Kathie who is singing show tunes with   
Rosie O'Donnell.)  
  
(Kathie and Sam are riding to the house with Michael riding behind on his scooter.   
When they get up there, they see the Grandpa on the stairs, dead.)  
  
Michael: Mom? I think he's dead.  
  
Kathie: No, he is not. My daddy's always alive!  
  
Sam: No mom, he's dead.  
  
(The Grandpa starts to stir when Kathie shakes him violently. That ultimately kills him   
and he really is dead.)  
  
Michael: We need a new grand daddy!  
  
Kathie: Yes, yes we do.  
  
Sam: I'll take care of it!  
  
(The next scene, Sam gets a new grandpa from the retirement center.)  
  
(Michael and Sam are at a concert containing a sweaty saxophonist singing that he still   
believes. The concert is at the Twinbrooke shopping center.}  
  
Sam: What a joke, huh?  
  
(Michael spots Star and Laddie dancing atop a phone booth. A magical phone booth.)  
  
Sam: What are you staring at Michael? Are you staring at that whore and her little boy?  
  
Michael: Shut up Sam.  
  
Sam: I tell ya, I'm a victim of your sex glands.  
  
Michael: Stay here, Sam.  
  
Sam: Whatever, I'm going to Zany Brainy.   
  
Michael: You said I was gay?  
  
Sam: Go find your whore.  
  
Michael: I'll do that.  
Sam: Okay then.  
  
Michael: Right.  
  
Sam: See ya.  
  
Michael: Toodles.  
  
(Sam walks to Zany Brainy and starts looking at their selection of Barbies.)  
  
Edgar: You're new here, right?  
  
Sam: Yeah came here from San Dimas.  
  
Alan: You should know a few things.  
  
Sam: Like this town sucks?  
  
Edgar: Yes, exactly.  
  
Alan: Do you believe in vampires?  
  
Sam: What like Dracula? And Marko?  
  
Edgar: Yeah.  
  
Sam: You guys are cah-razy.  
  
Alan: We may be, but you won't get far in Fairfax with that kind of attitude.  
  
Sam: Right.  
  
Edgar: Here, take this (throws Sam a box).  
  
Sam: I'm not into Dracula Barbies.   
  
Edgar: Think of it as a survival guide.  
  
Sam: Right.  
  
(There's a commotion outside and you see that some hoodlums are stealing their hula-  
hoops.)  
  
Edgar and Alan: Hey! Come back here with our merchandise!  
  
(Michael catches up with Star and Laddie)  
  
Michael: Hey! I saw you dancing. What's your name?  
  
Star: Star.   
  
Michael: Oh, your parents too?  
  
Star: What do you mean?  
  
Michael: Ex-whores. I came this close to being called Exotic Treasure of Black Jack.   
Instead they called me Michael.  
  
Star: I like Michael, Michael's great.  
  
(Michael looks over at a couple of showgirls getting a temporary tattoo.)  
  
Michael: Ya know, I might wanna do that.  
  
Star: It's a rip-off, I could do it for you, if you like.  
  
Michael: Yeah that'd be great. You wanna go get some food?  
  
Star: Sure.   
  
Laddie: Yay! I get a new daddy!  
  
(Razor scooters pull up beside them and start rearing up.)  
  
David: Where ya going Star?  
  
Star: With Michael, we're getting some food.  
  
Laddie: And I'm getting a new daddy!  
  
Marko (getting mad, sweating and foaming at the mouth): Get back here Laddie!  
  
Laddie (starts to whimper): Yes master.  
  
(Erin and Alya run in)  
  
Erin: Leave him alone, Marko!  
  
Alya: Yeah! We want you!  
  
(Erin jumps on the back of Paul's scooter and Alya gets on Marko's scooter.)  
  
(Dwayne motions for Laddie to come over with him.)  
  
David: Get over here Star.   
  
Star: Fine.  
  
Michael: Star wants to be with me.  
  
David: You know where the footbridge is?  
  
Michael: I can't be your razor scooter.  
  
David: I'm not asking you to be my razor scooter, freak. I just wanted you to keep up   
with us.  
  
(They ride on their scooters while "My Heart Will Go On" plays. Eventually Michael falls   
and crap like that. They approach the crack shack and go in.)  
  
Marko: This used to be a big pimpin' site until the big crack bust of '87. Since then, it's   
been deserted.  
  
(David motions for Marko to come over. Marko thinks that David wants him to make out   
with so he grabs at him.)  
  
David: No! You're not Star! I just wanted some Chinese food!  
  
Marko: Just for a minute?  
  
David: No!  
  
Alya: C'mon Marko, I'll go with you. We'll have fun.  
  
Erin: Hey there Paulie.  
  
Paul: I'm not a parrot.  
  
Erin: I'll tell you what you are!  
  
Paul: Yes sir dude!  
  
(Alya and Marko leave for a few minutes and come back--- without the Chinese food.)  
  
David: Marko! The food!  
  
Marko: Oh, right. (He magically zaps the food on the table. Dwayne mimes eating the   
food.)  
  
David: Try some Michael. Have some rice.  
  
Michael: Okay. I guess I'll try some. (He takes some.)  
  
David: How are the jellybeans, Michael?  
  
Michael: Huh?  
  
David: Jellybeans, Michael, you're eating jellybeans.  
  
Michael: What? (Looks down and sees jellybeans) AHHH!  
  
(Everyone starts laughing.)  
  
Star: Leave him alone, guys.  
  
Marko: It's just rice, Michael.  
  
(The phone booth appears and Laddie and Star dance upon it.)  
  
Ted: Dude, this isn't your phone booth, it's our time machine!  
  
Marko: Wow, this is cool.  
  
Bill: Most supremely excellent, dudes and whore!  
  
Ted: Greetings. I am Ted Theodore Logan.  
  
Bill: And I'm Bill S. Preston Esquire.  
  
Erin: Wow! I'm in love.  
  
Alya: Come now Marko, we must kill Star and Laddie.  
  
Paul: But, Erin! We had something special! What can I do?  
  
Erin: I ride with Bill now, Paul.   
  
Paul: I wuv oo.  
  
Erin: Shove it, Paul!  
  
Bill: Leave her alone, you long haired dead guy!  
  
Paul: You want some of this? Cuz I be willin to give it away (starts dancing)  
  
(The rooms gives frightened squeal except Dwayne, who cowers in fear, holding Laddie   
tightly.)  
  
Ted: Dude, that's bogus.  
  
Marko: Paul, we had a discussion about your dancing.  
  
Paul: But I thought for this special occassion...  
  
David: No. Go get the wine, Dwayne.  
  
(Dwayne dances a jig, gives the bottle to David and bows, then jigs away)  
  
David: Lovely, you see Paul? That's how you're supposed to dance!  
  
(David sniffs his own blood and drinks it in a very creepy way.)  
  
David: Have some Michael  
.  
Marko: I want some!  
  
Star: Don't do it Michael, it's Kool-aid!  
  
Michael: Yeah, Kool-Aid, right.  
  
  
  



	2. i just want some fruit loops?

* Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story besides myself and erin owns herself, i believe. The rest of this mainly belongs to the creators of the Lost Boys, Sean Connery, Bill and Ted's, and whoever else is mentioned. A/N- thanks for the reviews, i'm gettin' funky. a few things, when we wrote this, we forgot Lucy's name and thus replaced Lucy with Kathie Lee Gifford, and the thing about Michael and Sam being from San Dimas (the town from Bill and Ted's) will make sense later. Zany Brainy is a crappy toystore in the local strip mall, by the way. Just clearin' that up, yo! By the way, has anyone else noticed that Dwayne never talks and that he's a little too close with Laddie?*  
  
(Michael has just taken a sip of the blood. He promptly begins to chug it. David sees this and struggles to free the bottle from Michael's hands.)  
  
David: I think you've had enough, Michael.  
  
Michael (obviously intoxicated, swatting at David): I'll tell you when I've had enough, sir dude sir... dude.  
  
Bill (narrowing his eyes and walking towards Michael): Dude, that's totally my line... you're totally going to pay for that, you razor-scootered dickweed!  
  
Ted (holding Bill back): Let him go, Bill... let him go.  
  
Bill: You're most triumphantly right, Ted.   
  
(Bill and Ted start to air guitar, followed by a celebratory frenzy induced by Michael drinking the blood and joining the menacing scooter gang. David puts on a hospital gown and sits down in a wheel chair, he directs his attention toward Marko.)  
  
David: Gimme a ride, Marko!  
  
Marko (lovingly): I'll always give you a ride, David. (Marko giggles and blushes, as he acts flirtaciously towards the leader of the group. Marko's actions cause Alya to become uncomfortable and forlorn. She gazes over at Dwayne, as if to say "hey, bitch, I'm in need of some loving".)  
  
Alya: Hey, big boy...  
  
(Dwayne backs away, motioning to the needy whore that he loves Laddie and Laddie alone. Laddie, in response to that mime, whimpers and tries to escape Dwayne's grasp, but alas, he can't.)  
  
Alya: Ah, damnit.  
  
Laddie: Please... I don't like this...  
  
(The party continues. Paul is prancing about and stripping, Marko is pushing David around in a wheelchair, Michael is passed out on a bed, Alya is gazing lovingly at the poster of Jim Morrison, Erin is dying and rebuzzing her hair, Bill and Ted are still air-guitaring, with the occasional outburst of "Wyld Stallyons rule!", Star is watching from behind a curtain for no apparent reason, Dwayne is doing a series of mime movements, and little Laddie is passed out next to Michael.)  
  
Erin: It's lotion time!  
  
*yes, short and confusing... i'll write something longer next time.* 


	3. You fence like an animal!

*A/N: In the fashion of writing once every few months, I continue. I also changed formats, because when we started this, it was meant to be a movie to be later acted out and video-taped, but now, to make it more interesting and less confusing, I write in story format. Yay for me! Oh, and Bill and Ted are (duh) from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure/Bogus Journey/the animated series/the comic book/the cereal.*  
  
BMeanwhile at the Zany Brainy.../B  
  
The three boys (being the Frog brothers and Sam) sat around the toy store in an awkward silence as they played with the excess Barbies that no one wanted.  
  
"So, uh... what's there to do around this town?" Sam asked, not looking up from brushing "Super-Glitter-Ow-Mommy-Glitter-Made-Me-Blind" Barbie's hair.  
  
"Well, there's always the vampires," Edgar suggested, after putting his Retro-Barbie into some pink plastic heels, "that, and there's this real cool bakery."  
  
"Yeah, the cream puffs are pretty scrumptious!" Alan (oh Alan, how I love thee so) added enthusiastically.  
  
"Oh... so... any place where I can buy some overly flamboyant night gowns?" Sam questioned, fingering his "Born to Shop" shirt.  
  
"Well, there's always the vampires," Edgar said, always bringing up the said monster every time he could.  
  
"Nah, I don't think vampires are into such a high voltage of gayness as I am," Sam smugly stated, as he finished french braiding the doll's hair.  
  
  
BBack at the Bat Cave.../B  
  
"Woo! Go Marko! Take off that brightly colored children's hospital gown!"  
  
As Marko, David, Dwayne, Paul, and Michael made their way to the railroad tracks, Marko danced around and scandalously took off his happy, childlike robe, exposing his trade mark jacket. Michael eagerly skipped behind them, much like a puppy romping throughout a field, chasing a butterfly, unbeknownst that a notorious puppy killer was following its every move.  
  
"So, gang, fellas, home boys," Michael started, sounding much like that annoying kid from West Side Story, "where's we's goin'? Huh? Huh? Huh?"   
  
"Dude, I'm going to kick you in the face if you don't stop," David threatened, while shaking his head in disgust, "Marko, Michael wants to know where we're going."  
  
"Michael wants to know?" Marko teased, "Paul, did ya hear? Michael wants to know where we're going."  
  
"Oh, sorry for not tellin' ya, Michael. We're going down to the railroad tracks where you'll embark on an exciting adventure that will change your life forever," upon seeing the looks of the other's faces, Paul quickly and cleverly covered up his mistake, "I mean... we're going... you suck."  
  
They walked along again, and stopped, as they had reached their destination and they obviously weren't going to keep on walking. David, clearly being the leader, motioned to the bridge, and then to Marko.  
  
"Goodnight Michael," Marko winked, "sweet dreams, I love you. Don't let the bed bugs bite! I WUV OO!!!" With that, Marko jumped off the bridge with a whoop. Soon afterwards, the 'Twisted Sister' look-a-like and the mime jumped off, leaving Michael looking confused, and balled up in a fetal position. 


	4. a saucy red dress

*updates surprisingly more frequent. reviews make me happy. i don't know where fencey has been lately. instead of working on this together, we end up going to twinbrooke and buying 'clearly canadian' and i ultimately write this at obscure hours of the night while listening to the nekromantix. god bless psycho-billy with necrophiliastic lyrics! *  
  
After a few moments, Michael realized how idiotic he appeared, and slowly uncurled, standing up straight to try to save some of his dignity. It didn't quite work. David looked at Michael expectantly, commanding him with unspoken words to jump off the bridge like the rest of the gang. With a few last words, David leaped off the foundation, and Michael just kind of looked confused again. Hesitating (to build up the suspense, of course), he stood there so he could look tormented with indecision.   
  
"Dude! You're like, totally rockin' the indecision!" A voice with a Californian accent sounded out and interrupted Michael from his reverie. He glanced up and saw two teenagers; one that looked curiously like Marko, except wearing a crop and without the carefully primped mullet, the other one a taller guy with a bowl cut and several smiley face patches.  
  
"Hey... didn't you guys enter through a time machine?" Michael queried.   
  
"Yeah! We're from the future!" the taller one, identified as Ted answered.  
  
"Totally, like all the way from 1988!" Bill proclaimed.  
  
"It's 1987, why'd you go back a year? Are you stalking me? Do you want to be me?!" Michael suddenly backed away, and shifted his eyes about. Bill and Ted stared at eachother for a moment before suddenly breaking out in air guitar.  
  
"Hey! I can be cool, too! Look at this!" With that, Michael began to play the air cowbell. How you play the air cowbell, I'm not sure, but the two other Californians seemed impressed enough.  
  
"Excellent! Whoa... do you wanna go hang out somewhere? Like, instead of a railroad track?" Ted asked, flopping his hair about incessantly.  
  
"Okay, but my bedtime's pretty soon, ya know," Michael pointed out. With a nod from Bill, the three highschoolers (though oddly, they looked much older... only in movies) walked off, linking arms and skipping down the road.  
  
Meanwhile, below the bridge, the four punkass vampires began to get impatient and bored. Marko just cried.   
  
"David? Wasn't Michael supposed to like, I don't know, join us a while ago?" Paul stated the obvious.  
  
"Uh, yeah... maybe he's... making macrame items for us all, ya know, before coming down," David lied, his arms becoming tired from hanging around so long. Marko looked up from playing footsie with Paul and agreed, praising David for his skill-solving abilities (surely he was cut out for the smart classes in school).  
  
"Dwayne, tell us a story... about princesses and ponies and contact lense solution!" Marko pleaded, smiling brightly. Dwayne nodded his head, seemed to think for a moment, and then began using mimes to narrate his story, since we all know he doesn't talk. Unfortunately, by using both hands to pantomime his story, he fell into the fog. The other three shifted uncomfortably and looked away. 


End file.
